For better or worse, I seem to have a lot of conflict in my life right now which are making these assignments super easy. My boyfriend and I have a lot of conflict it seems. He was in the hospital for a few weeks and is still recovering so has to ask for a lot of help from me and others. He is very independent and does not like relying on other people. This is frustrating for him. As time goes on it becomes more stressful but he is doing his best. A recent conflict we had was about my 8 pound dog. He is a clean, cute, easy dog in my opinion. I am on spring break, my kids are at their dads so planned on staying at his house with my little dog. My dog is very attached to me and my boyfriend wanted him to stay out of the family room and off the couch while we watched movies. I told him the dog would cry and I did not want him to sit alone in the kitchen anyway. We got in a huge fight and I almost stormed out. My argument was after all of the driving I had done I did not want to pack him up, take him outside in the cold and drive (AGAIN!) to my house just because the dog couldn't be on a clean blanket on the couch. However, he can be on the exact same blanket on the bed. He wsn't going to stop me from leaving and said "be careful on what you say and do" in almost a threatening tone. This would have been a good time to compromise. He could have calmly and easily said "How about this..." or "Can we try this...". I understand he is not a dog person but how can I have a dog I adore to pieces and want with me and him tell me to leave it in the kitchen. I decided to put his blanket on the floor and sit on the floor with the dog, mad!!! It was a very quiet evening and not very fun. I am a reasonable person, don't hold a grudge and am pretty easy-going. I don't like being told what to do, having it be only one way with no compromise and no calm discussion. I think I would have left if he was healthier and more capable of taking care of himself.
I felt a lot of feelings on the "non-satisfied" feelings list (retrieved from the Non-Violent Communication website, www.cnvc.org) including but not limited to ashamed, guilty, worried, and resentful. Reviewing this list of words I realize I have felt a lot of them lately and that is not a good thing when it comes to any relationships.
I am anxious to hear from others on their viewpoints of the dog in the living room scenario. Did I overreact and the dog would have been perfectly happy and fine in the kitchen? or was it really that big a deal for him to sit on the couch/on my lap, ON HIS BLANKET, on the couch? As I get a grip on the realty of where I am at in this relationship and especially the issue of the dog, I look forward to your feedback.
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My son, our dog, and me.
About Me
- Tracy
- I have 3 boys, 2 dogs and 2 horses. I live in beautiful Northern Michigan. I really like my job of teaching preschoolers in our local schools. I can be a little disorganized at times but for the most part enjoy a full plate of activities and keep very busy.
"We are to cool for our shades!!"
Tracy:
ReplyDeleteI had posted a comment last night. But, now in checking other people's comments, I see mine is not there. So, I am going to re-post a comment.
I tend to get really attached to my animals, too. So, I understand how it can feel hurtful when someone does not adore them like we do. My suggestion would be to talk with your boyfriend now that you have had some time since the experience you shared. Ask some probing questions about his feelings and maybe his experiences about rules his family had when he was growing up regarding pets. My father grew up on a farm and animals were meant to outside, including the pets. The cats were in the barn and the dogs were in their large, outdoor kennel. So, after he gained a wife and children who developed a different attitude about pets, he did compromise but there were still attitudes different than ours. He changed to allow that our pets were allowed in the house but not on the couch or in the kitchen and dining room. We could have our dog or cat on our own beds, but they were not allow on his.
Finding this out may shed some light on the situation, you may find that allowing your dog to visit does feel like he is compromising and changing. If that is the case, you need to acknowledge the compromise as you ask him to acknowledge yours.
Next, maybe you could sit down and discuss all of the perimeters before the dog comes to visit again. Make sure you both, ask if everything has been covered before moving on so that you can avoid surprises later. That way, you both know the ground rules before a situation arises. Then it doesn't feel like the rules have midstream, resulting in hurt feelings.
Thank you for being so open as usual and sharing your experiences.
LouAnn
Tracy,
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel because I have a dog and people who are not dog lovers don't understand the attachment. There should have been a conversation and compromise especially since you were there to help him out. I think your decision to put the dog on the floor was a good one.
Thanks for sharing'
Tracy,
ReplyDeleteVery interesting post! It sounds like there were a lot of unmet needs in this situation. I have learned this week that we can't always just give in. We have feelings and needs. Therefore, we have a right to share them and for them to be heard. But, we also have the responsibility to listen and respond to others feelings and needs.
It's all speculation from my point of view, but it would be interesting to find out your boyfriend's perspective of the situation. Personally, I love my dog but I have a need to sleep in a clean bed that is free of hair, dirt, and the smell of dog. It makes me happy. On the other hand, my husband could care less if the dog slept in the bed and made it filthy.