Friday, March 30, 2012

Non-violent communication and Conflict Management

For better or worse, I seem to have a lot of conflict in my life right now which are making these assignments super easy.  My boyfriend and I have a lot of conflict it seems.  He was in the hospital for a few weeks and is still recovering so has to ask for a lot of help from me and others.  He is very independent and does not like relying on other people.  This is frustrating for him.  As time goes on it becomes more stressful but he is doing his best.  A recent conflict we had was about my 8 pound dog.  He is a clean, cute, easy dog in my opinion.  I am on spring break, my kids are at their dads so planned on staying at his house with my little dog.  My dog is very attached to me and my boyfriend wanted him to stay out of the family room and off the couch while we watched movies.  I told him the dog would cry and I did not want him to sit alone in the kitchen anyway.  We got in a huge fight and I almost stormed out.  My argument was after all of the driving I had done I did not want to pack him up, take him outside in the cold and drive (AGAIN!) to my house just because the dog couldn't be on a clean blanket on the couch.  However, he can be on the exact same blanket on the bed.  He wsn't going to stop me from leaving and said "be careful on what you say and do" in almost a threatening tone.   This would have been a good time to compromise.  He could have calmly and easily said "How about this..." or "Can we try this...".  I understand he is not a dog person but how can I have a dog I adore to pieces and want with me and him tell me to leave it in the kitchen.  I decided to put his blanket on the floor and sit on the floor with the dog, mad!!!  It was a very quiet evening and not very fun.  I am a reasonable person, don't hold a grudge and am pretty easy-going.  I don't like being told what to do, having it be only one way with no compromise and no calm discussion.  I think I would have left if he was healthier and more capable of taking care of himself. 

I felt a lot of feelings on the "non-satisfied" feelings list (retrieved from the Non-Violent Communication website, www.cnvc.org) including but not limited to ashamed, guilty, worried, and resentful.  Reviewing this list of words I realize I have felt a lot of them lately and that is not a good thing when it comes to any relationships. 

I am anxious to hear from others on their viewpoints of the dog in the living room scenario.  Did I overreact and the dog would have been perfectly happy and fine in the kitchen? or was it really that big a deal for him to sit on the couch/on my lap, ON HIS BLANKET, on the couch?  As I get a grip on the realty of where I am at in this relationship and especially the issue of the dog, I look forward to your feedback.

3 comments:

  1. Tracy:

    I had posted a comment last night. But, now in checking other people's comments, I see mine is not there. So, I am going to re-post a comment.

    I tend to get really attached to my animals, too. So, I understand how it can feel hurtful when someone does not adore them like we do. My suggestion would be to talk with your boyfriend now that you have had some time since the experience you shared. Ask some probing questions about his feelings and maybe his experiences about rules his family had when he was growing up regarding pets. My father grew up on a farm and animals were meant to outside, including the pets. The cats were in the barn and the dogs were in their large, outdoor kennel. So, after he gained a wife and children who developed a different attitude about pets, he did compromise but there were still attitudes different than ours. He changed to allow that our pets were allowed in the house but not on the couch or in the kitchen and dining room. We could have our dog or cat on our own beds, but they were not allow on his.

    Finding this out may shed some light on the situation, you may find that allowing your dog to visit does feel like he is compromising and changing. If that is the case, you need to acknowledge the compromise as you ask him to acknowledge yours.

    Next, maybe you could sit down and discuss all of the perimeters before the dog comes to visit again. Make sure you both, ask if everything has been covered before moving on so that you can avoid surprises later. That way, you both know the ground rules before a situation arises. Then it doesn't feel like the rules have midstream, resulting in hurt feelings.

    Thank you for being so open as usual and sharing your experiences.
    LouAnn

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  2. Tracy,
    I understand how you feel because I have a dog and people who are not dog lovers don't understand the attachment. There should have been a conversation and compromise especially since you were there to help him out. I think your decision to put the dog on the floor was a good one.
    Thanks for sharing'

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  3. Tracy,

    Very interesting post! It sounds like there were a lot of unmet needs in this situation. I have learned this week that we can't always just give in. We have feelings and needs. Therefore, we have a right to share them and for them to be heard. But, we also have the responsibility to listen and respond to others feelings and needs.

    It's all speculation from my point of view, but it would be interesting to find out your boyfriend's perspective of the situation. Personally, I love my dog but I have a need to sleep in a clean bed that is free of hair, dirt, and the smell of dog. It makes me happy. On the other hand, my husband could care less if the dog slept in the bed and made it filthy.

    ReplyDelete


My son, our dog, and me.

"My Connections to Play"

Two quotes:

Vygotsky - "Children use private speech in play to regulate behavior"

"Creative play is a central activity in the lives of healthy children."
Almon, K. (2002) The vital role of play in early childhood
education. Gateways, 43.

My family, especially my mom, was very supportive of play. She recognized its importance. My sister and I loved to play with our friends. She would take us to the community pool and parks and we would play all day. When we got a little older we got a trampoline and jumped on it for much of the day. We had a playroom above our garage in Tennessee and we played there for many hours even though it got very hot at times. My sister and I loved to play with dolls. My mom always said she would be my best friend and as we got older did not encourage many outside friendships. I think that hurt our social skills a little. Now we talk every once in a while, have very different lives and see each other about 2-3 times per year. Even though we are still very close and had many years of play as children, we have drifted apart. My dad was really good at playing with us also. He took us on our boat all the time and encouraged more of the rough and tumble type of play. Both my mom and taught us to be resourceful and take care of ourselves, almost to a fault.

As I attempt to write my blog assignement I feel play has changed a great deal since when we were younger. We would go all day without seeing the inside of our house and find things to play with. All three of my boys are sitting around my table asking me questions and saying they are bored. I live about 2 blocks from one of the most beautiful lakes and beaches in the country and 1 block from an elementary school playground. There are children all over this neighborhood to play with and they are asking me what they can do. Where have I gone wrong in this scenario? They have come to rely on me as their "social director" and I have probably enabled that. Play is very different. I am going to cancel cable and hide the playstation and nintendo ds's for the summer. My kids are older and possibly beyond help. I hope that young children will be pulled away from the computers, tv and other electronic devices. I hope they will be in a safe place to be able to venture out and make friends. Parents need to be more confident in their childrens ability and need to become independent players. I think sometimes parents protect their children and don't let them make mistakes at an early age.

I have included pictures of my boys below at the beach. This is what we love to do these days. This was on a spring break vacation. My youngest sons favorite toy was a palm branch he found the first day. Again, an item from nature that I didn't have to purchase that entertained him. Nice!!








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I have 3 boys, 2 dogs and 2 horses. I live in beautiful Northern Michigan. I really like my job of teaching preschoolers in our local schools. I can be a little disorganized at times but for the most part enjoy a full plate of activities and keep very busy.

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  • My 2 dogs
This is me with one of my preschoolers who has been with me 5 days a week for the past 2 years. He is moving to Ohio. It is difficult when they leave. Good news is he will be back in 2 years. He is also one of my favorites.




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