Relationship Reflection

The relationships in my life are important to me because they involve my children.  Most of my time is spent with my children or at work.  I do not seek out other friendships.  I was a very social person when I was younger and these days the people I meet seem to thrive on drama and I don't really have time for maintaining these relationships.  I would like to have more relationships with adults but these days I do not have the extra time and energy they require.  It took me a long time to join facebook for this very reason.  I have no desire to know who is doing what, with who and when.  Maybe when my kids are older and I am done with school I will make more of an effort but for now I am happy with what I have.  I think if I NEEDED these relationships I would make more of an effort to pursue and maintain them.

The relationships I have my children are all very different.  I have a 16 year old with high functioning autism who is very hard to communicate with.  I am trying to teach him self-help and career planning skills which can be very frustrating for both of us.  I know he is capable of doing many things but his energy level and desire to excel is very low.  I am a very high energy, over-achiever and our different tempermants can be highly stressful for both of us.  He is a very compassionate, friendly, out-going child when he wants to be.  He is very good to me and am lucky to have him in my life.  I am 100% aware that part of the issues I have with him are mine.  I need to be more senistive and in less denial of his situation.

My middle son is 11.  He is very smart.  He can also be the class clown, like his dad.  This quality gets him into trouble at school.  I think that it is good to be a little silly and sometimes schools are tough on boys and their need to express themsleves in a way that does not fit their system.  When we get one on one time we have a lot of fun.  He likes to do many of the things I do.  He asks many questions and we have lengthy conversations about topics that I usually have no idea what we are talking about.  He is a hard worker, compassionate, patient, good student, clean, devoted to his friends and family, enjoys the water and is very comical.  I enjoy this relationship very much.  However, this child can be very dramatic at times and sometimes be an emotinal rollar coaster.  I think it is because he is entering his teenage years a little early.  The key with this child is finding time to spend alone with him.  He feels torn between his father and I.  He internalizes a lot of his emotions regarding our divorce.  It was the hardest on him. 

 My youngest son is 10.  He is very active in sports.  We have a very unique and special relationship.  I was able to spend the most time with him at home when he was a baby.  The others I was able to take to work with me but had to divide my time.  With my youngest son I was able to spend a lot of time with him.  As we study the importance of early relationships, I think about him a lot.  He wants to spend all of his time with me, but not in a clingy way.  Even though he has a good dad, he would rather spend the whole summer with me.  We enjoy riding bikes, kayaking, playing tennis, and just hanging out.  He is very smart, loves all sports, energetic, has lots of friends and makes me laugh all the time. He is pretty emotionally stable and has a great personality.

I am a very lucky person to have the boys I do in my life.  Sometimes I need moments like this to reflect on just how lucky I really am to have three healthy wonderful, compassionate children.

Another relationship that is important to me is the one I have with the boys dad.  It has been a pretty good relationship for the most part and we are doing the best we can in seperate communities to make the boys lives as stable as possible.  They seem to have adjusted well.  Our lack of communication skills and other factors contributed to our divorce.  Looking back now, if we would have taken the time to receive counseling or some quality moments working out our issues we probably would have had a successful marriage.  We are definetly good parents, just not good partners.   Their dad is very funny, loving and does a great job raising the boys and making sure they have what they need.  A key to a successful realtionship is letting your partner know these things and I think I was at a point in my life where I was to stuborn to tell him unfortunately.   We are in better places now but I always wonder how my life and the boys life would be different if we could have worked it out.

I have one other relationship that seems to be good and bad at times.  It is a personal relationship that I have had for over a year now.  I really enjoy spending time with this person.  He is funny, takes very good care of me, hard worker, have similar interests, and committed to this relationship.  We have six children together and that adds a lot of chaos to our lives.  He is very task oriented and will have a tendency to put everything else aside when he is working on a project at home or work (which can be a good thing also).  I feel I am at a stage with this person that I either need to commit fully or walk away.  I felt very emotional when I was reading the assignment for this reason.  I think we are in two different places and tough decsions are in my immediate future.  As mentioned earlier I can be a stubborn person.  I also have a tendency to want to work things out and discuss issues right away.  He can be a difficult person to talk to because of defensive walls that go up immediately when he feels like he is being "attacked".  This stems from a very difficult marriage that ended recently (before we started dating) but at the same time I need to be able to constructively work things out.  We have gotten better about this as he needs time to think and I need immediate feedback, we now meet in the middle.  We still have a long way to go and I need to commit to nurturing this relationship or let it go.   Recently I have been internalizing a lot of little issues so I can decide what is important to discuss and what I can live with and not worry about.    I don't want to settle and, again, have some tough decisions to make.  We live in two different communities as well which can make things difficult.  To nurture this relationship and keep it "alive" I need to learn better ways to communicate effectively.  I would like a future with this person but time will tell. 

My challenges with all relationships, except my kids, is that I don't want to be in a vulnerable place.  I feel like I always have protective walls up and want to be the one that leaves instead of the one that is left.  Many times I overanalize a conversation or experience with my close relationships and if I feel it is going poorly will jeopardize it to have a safe way out.  This is not healthy way to live.  At some point it will be a matter of jumping in and taking a chance.  When I can finally get to that place with someone, then I feel I will truly be happy and able to commit 100% for the long haul.

In regards to the early childhood field, I find these realtionships to be very rewarding.  One of my favorite parts of my job is the communication and friendships I build with families.  I think being able to build a solid foundation with families and have them trust me as their child's first educator (after them of course) is important.  I also feel that it is important to the time I spend with their children.  According to the article, "Teacher-child relationship quality:  The roles of child temperament and teacher-child interactions", young children's relationships with teachers predict social and academic success (Rudasill, 2006).  This is good news as one of my best qualities is the ability to relate to many different personalities and temperaments of young children.  I am very aware of how they are acting and communicate with families consistently about changes in their childs behavior or temperament during the day.  I receive feedback from families that they really enjoy hearing what happened during their child's day when they couldn't be there.  I just need to learn how to communicate and relate to adults effectively so I can be more successful with those realtionships.  Little kids have no drama and worries outside of who gets to sit where on the carpet for story time and I can handle that!!

Rudasill, K., & Rimm-Kaufmann, S. (2008). Teacher-child relationship quality: The roles of child’s temperament and teacher-child interactions. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 24(2), 107–120.